Reaching for a Helping Hand
“No more heroics,” my son Anthony says.
His brother David would say the same.
“No. More. Heroics.”
I hear him. I’ve never been sick like this. I’ve never felt so helpless.
Anthony lives three miles from me and drove me to the ER when I couldn’t breathe. Then I spent a few nights at home gasping and wheezing. I didn’t call anyone but willed my way through those nights. That didn’y help. I want to breathe freely and hike again, so I put myself in the capable hands of Physician’s Assistants who help me search for the missing pieces of this puzzle.
“You’re anemic,” my primary PA says after a blood test at the Primary Care Center. I try a few types of iron and find one that suits my body. In a month, I’m no longer anemic, but my breathing is still labored.
“It may be a thyroid problem.” I’m tested, but my thyroid is fine.
“Lung blockage?” Apparently not after a CT scan with contrast. No suspicious findings.
“A tick disease?” They order a tick panel which tests every possibility, and I don’t have a tick disease, but my blood sodium is alarmingly low. I’ve been on a low salt diet for ten years because of Meniere’s Disease. In a week, my blood sodium begins to recover and it’s soon normal. There are more normal test results. You guessed it. Shortness of breath remains.
Hopelessness settles in my belly. I don’t want to see anyone or deal with this anymore. I remember how Marion Woodman warned me about depression. There’s something alluring about being pulled under by dark hopeless energy with the option of giving up.
My fifty year old son Anthony steps in and says, “No more heroics.” He volunteers to drive me to medical appointments. He tells me he wants to come with me because it’s hard to rely on my damaged hearing with machines roaring in the background.
Really? He’s willing to do that?
Anthony writes all my medical appointments in his calendar so he can drive me. My other son David would do the same if he lived nearby, but he lives almost 600 miles away. Love and Anthony’s soups heavily spiced with garlic and ginger make me weep with gratitude.
Young masculine energy—persistence, will, discipline, calm, and a creative search for new solutions. It’s the heroic stance I need.
“You don’t have to go with me to all these appointments,” I say when we leave the clinic. I hate needing so much help.
“I want to meet your doctors and hear the details. Your hearing isn’t always reliable.” Ouch! Truth! He pats me on the shoulder and grins making me feel loved rather than diminished.
So, for now we change places. My son becomes the parent. My Burning Man DJ son, the party and music guy who lived in San Francisco for twenty years becomes a strong support when I need help and a sense of safety. He offers his hand. I grab it and begin to pull out of the pit of despair.
***
My health is slowly improving, but there are more tests ahead. I’ll let you know when and if I get a diagnosis. I’ve been public about this from the beginning, so no use becoming secretive now. Have you had a long illness and struggled to get a diagnosis? Sometimes prayer and calm breathing exercises seem the best way to go.
For the first article about this health crisis, see Sometimes You’re the Hammer, Sometimes You’re the Anvil. For other posts about the care I receive from my sons, see Aging in Place with Help.
Related Posts
My Grandmother’s Diary Imagined From Stories She Told
November 6, 1893 (Chicago) I’m nine years old, and I’m scared. Papa died yesterday. Momma…
A Shining Light Breaking Through the Storm
"But you're bound to lose If you let the blues get you scared to feel…
May 12, 2024 at 12:57 pm
Lin Gregory
Dear Elaine
I’m so sorry to hear that your illness continues and is still somewhat of a mystery. Breathlessness can be so worrying and sometimes the anxiety it brings can make things worse by making you more breathless in panic at the stress of its loss. A vicious circle!
Thank goodness you have your sons as your rocks to love, support and help you as you navigate this challenging time. From personal experience I know it is so frustrating to an active person to have this type of mysterious ill health, stopping you from doing what you once were able to do so freely. I have struggled with my own health for the last 20 years and only now am I getting to the root cause of my own problems…its certainly been an adventure!
I do hope that your doctors get to the root of the issue and that you continue to make progress to a full recovery, so that you can get back out there and fully experience the maienschein of your beautiful woods. Sending you much healing, love and light.
May 12, 2024 at 2:23 pm
Elaine Mansfield
Thank you, Lin. I have good news after seeing a Pulmonologist on Friday. None of the tests showed irreversible damage. I have irritated air passages, but it hasn’t progressed to COPD. She advised a new inhaler for two months before being checked again. She thinks I’ll heal completely. I’m already healing and moving faster and feeling more grounded than a few weeks ago. My local son has been a rock. Now I need to wean myself from needing so much help and refocus on self-reliance and endurance. There’s no hurry, but I don’t want to ask for more than I need. I’ll also return to a physical therapist and keep taking walks on my land. I have lots of hills and can slowly increase duration and speed. I’m more hopeful and I’m cultivating patience.
Please take great care of yourself. Twenty years is a long time and I’m glad you’re getting to the root cause. This is my first experience of being the sick one for an extended period. I think I’m on my way to health and hope you’re on your way, too. With healing love to you.
May 13, 2024 at 11:11 am
Lin Gregory
I’m so pleased the news from your Pulmonologist is good – that in itself can lift the spirits and help the healing process even more. Thank you for your kind thoughts – we have a short trip planned next week that should help with the stress and relaxation after what has been a challenging start to the year. Looking forward to returning soon from this much needed social media hiatus as the energy of spring works her healing magic! Much love and light.
May 13, 2024 at 1:52 pm
Elaine Mansfield
Have a wonderful relaxing and healing journey. I know you’ll find much beauty with your camera. With love and hope.
May 10, 2024 at 6:12 am
Jan Maltzan
Dear Elaine, I’m so sorry that you have been beset by an illness that has taken up so much of your time, focus and energy for such a long period. But it is encouraging that so many tests have been negative and you are now feeling inch-steps of progress as the days become stronger with sunlight. Recovery can seem so elusive sometimes and maddeningly frustrating. I who never gets sick, not even with colds or the flu found myself completely immobilized with shingles of the ear at the beginning of November and did not truly feel the corner turning until the first of February. A long three months. I felt like it was an personal affront! And rather demoralizing that I suddenly could not trust my body. I have never had such a profound sense of un-wellbeing down to a cellular level. But I too have been taking inch-steps, along with some two steps forward and one step back, learning new ways to be hopeful and trust my body again – with help from bodywork/craniosacral therapists and who also help me remember to listen to my body that is not ready yet to be in the fast lane. I may never fully recover my balance and equilibrium reactions, that remains to be seen, but I am standing upright, walking (slowly) and gardening. And that’s good enough in the present moment.
May 10, 2024 at 10:25 am
Elaine Mansfield
Oh, Jan. Shingles hurt! I just read about shingles of the ear and it sounds so hard. I had a shingles vaccine but realize I’m due for another, but it will have to wait until my lungs are stronger. Like you, I rarely get ill and never got COVID, but this seems to be a long non-COVID virus that settled in for months. Coughing and breathing difficulties are a struggle, but pain is the worst, so I feel for you. I laugh when you say you aren’t ready for the fast lane. I’m definitely hanging out in the slow lane for now. I feel that clearly when I walk in my woods. So much slower, but more time to explore all the wildflowers and the emerging oak leaves. Be well and regain balance and vitality. I trust we’re receiving important lessons we can articulate in time.
May 9, 2024 at 7:11 pm
Robert
Hey Elaine,
Your story really struck a chord with me. It’s incredibly touching to see how your sons, Anthony and David, step up to support you through these tough times. Their love and dedication is truly inspiring.
It’s moments like these that remind us of the importance of family and the legacy we leave behind. And the way Anthony has been there for you with a helping hand and sense of safety, speaks volumes about the values and bonds that define your family.
Wishing you continued strength and resilience on your journey!
May 10, 2024 at 10:17 am
Elaine Mansfield
It’s touching to me, too. I’ve always been the mom and now there’s a role reversal. I hope it won’t last for long because we all like our independence, but it will come again because of my age. Meanwhile, it’s good Anthony is getting to know my local medical support team. I also have a strong community of local friends who make good soup and bring groceries and kindness. Vic loved his two sons and they were so supportive when he was sick. He was grateful and so was I. I’m still grateful we can all support each other. Thanks for your good wishes.
May 8, 2024 at 1:22 pm
Susan scott
O dear Elaine. What a journey. Thank you for sharing it with us. Thank heavens for loving sons. I too am the last person who would ask for help in illness, but my sons provide in spades. I thank G.d daily for them. Here’s hoping that spring and warmer weather helps alleviate your restricted breathing.
May 8, 2024 at 2:52 pm
Elaine Mansfield
Thank you, Susan. We’re both mothers of sons. I wasn’t sure if I should share my personal woes, but it’s not much different than writing about grief. This is the grief of how fragile our bodies are and how mortality is always close. So much for my sense of independence! I felt close to Inanna, taking steps down into the Underworld to visit Erishkegal the Goddess of Death. It looks like I don’t have to stay under, not this time. May all be well in your world with the laughter of your grandchild.
May 8, 2024 at 11:24 am
Deborah Gregory
Dear Elaine, I’m so sorry to hear how unwell you’ve been for months on end, and how few answers you have to all those burning questions you must be holding. Myself, I can’t ever remember physically suffering for such a long period of time, rather I’ve suffered more mentally for long periods in my life. Alas, I’m living through another dark, disorientating time now as I wrestle with a life-changing decision I’m having to make. One, I thought I’d know the answer too in a week or so, month at the most … but no, this dilemma is dragging on and on. Deep sigh! I know that I will need to come up for air soon.
You include wonderful photos, great story-telling in themselves! I love the scary cat too and wonder if it works?! I say this because I had something similar once and all the visitors to my garden, including a fox family were fascinated, not scared at all. I’m so happy you have your sons and loving community around you. If I remember rightly you’ve lived in your home for over fifty years now, guarding the forest and all those who sleep and dream there. What a legacy you’re gifting Anthony and David, with yours and Vic’s footprints planted all over the forest, and all over their hearts too. Love and light, Deborah.
May 8, 2024 at 2:46 pm
Elaine Mansfield
Dear Deborah, We all have these major struggles. I think that’s the nature of the world we live in. A close friend said I am hanging on Inanna’s hook in the Underworld. It’s felt like that to often this winter. I have three more medical appointments ahead and one isn’t until June, so this unknowing may go on a while longer. I feel better, but my lungs struggle to get a deep breath, sometimes more than others. So, I’ll continue with the testing and searching since the most obvious causes have been ruled out. Maybe the symptoms continue to resolve on their own. That seems to be what’s happening now, but it’s been somethine like 6 months. I’m still here and you’re still there with your impossible dilemma. I hope you receive an intuition and a clear resolution.
The scary cat is a wooden sculpture in Anthony’s gardens. He and his girlfriend have a much loved black cat. I love that fierce sculpture and feel the need for that sort of protective energy. I’ve lived here since 1972. I have groundhogs or woodchucks digging around in my barn at the moment. This is country living. I’ve been grateful for the beauty of the land and my community of friends who brought soup, groceries, and good wishes when Anthony was out of town. I don’t need that kind of care now, but I’d love to wake up one morning and feel terrific again. Maybe it will happen. Love, light, laughter, and clear decisions to you. (My website guy had a two day car breakdown on his way back home so that explained his absence. He’s back and made sure my posts get to England, but there’s still more website work ahead.)
May 9, 2024 at 9:55 am
Deborah Gregory
Thank you so much for your reassurance Elaine. Wow, “I am hanging on Inanna’s hook in the Underworld” Yesss, that’s it, spot on! Illness is the guru of patience I’m beginning to realise. Great news re your website, I had a quick tour yesterday, it’s looking good! Sending much love, light and laughter across the oceans and oaks between us, Deborah.
May 10, 2024 at 10:08 am
Elaine Mansfield
Deborah, I’ve helped others through serious illness–my mom, Vic’s mom, my brother, and Vic, but I hadn’t had a long illness before. This one seems to be winding down at its slow pace. The website is still a bit scrambled and I’m making a list of what needs fixing or removing or refining (like the header). I don’t want a major redesign. I just need it to be simple and easy to navigate. He still has whole countries blocked because of the invaders using all my band width, but unblocked England. Bodies and computers are mysteries to me.
May 8, 2024 at 4:48 am
Aladin Fazel
As you said, dear Elaine, it is love that does not diminish. I am so sorry for your pain. We all will get old, and the body will get rusty! You are lucky to have such a strong and caring son to support you. Some people don’t have anyone and must rely on outside help. I will pray for your recovery deep in my heart and wish you blessings.
May 8, 2024 at 8:51 am
Elaine Mansfield
Thank you, Aladin. I’m not in pain, but sometimes it’s hard to get a breath although that’s not as severe as it was. So many people suffer in this world, so I don’t feel sorry for myself even though I would like to feel better. I am slowly improving, measured in weeks, not in days. I’m very fortunate to have two sons and a loving community. I never forget my good fortune.
May 7, 2024 at 10:20 pm
Marian Beaman
Your sons love you to the moon–and back, as the saying goes. And it’s TRUE. Their caring countenances here and their actions spelled out in your words proclaim it. I’m glad most of the tests have come back negative, a positive sign. Still, I understand your need to find answers. I have not had a long illness and struggled to find a diagnosis, but my back pain persists in the lower lumbar region and my doctor’s treatments have not be effective–so far. I have had to reach for a helping hand when I flew to Pennsylvania earlier this month. My connection in Atlanta was tight, and I decided I couldn’t run through concourses in the busiest airport in the world, so I requested a wheelchair. In less than twenty minutes I was whisked from Concourse T to Concourse C and made the flight north to Elizabethtown, where my class reunion took place. Coming back, I had an hour and a half and could easily connect to the final leg of the journey back home. I believe it’s a sign of strength to reach for a helping hand, Elaine. (((( ))))
May 8, 2024 at 8:47 am
Elaine Mansfield
I need answers to prevent worry and to clarify, Marian. I will still see a pulmonologist (I’ve already taken the preliminary tests) and in June, I have an appointment for a cardiac stress test. My self-diagnosis is I have asthma mixed with Meniere’s Disease. The two often come together, but I haven’t had asthma in the past. Meniere’s tends to get worse in time. Airport wheelchairs are made for us and make traveling much easier, but I can’t imagine getting on a plane again. The pressure changes seem to activate the Meniere’s Disease symptoms which also act up in the changeable weather we’re having this summer. You and I helped others, so now it seems to be our turn to ask for help. May your back pain ease.
May 8, 2024 at 12:46 pm
Marian Beaman
My Wish: the best outcomes for each of us!
May 8, 2024 at 2:47 pm
Elaine Mansfield
That’s the best wish along with inner surrender to whatever comes.
May 7, 2024 at 8:45 pm
Eve
Dear Elaine holding you in my heart. sending love. Love, Eve
May 8, 2024 at 8:40 am
Elaine Mansfield
Thank you, Eve. I’m improving and Spring helps.
May 7, 2024 at 7:02 pm
Anne
Dear Elaine, It is hard to read about and let in what you have been going through with your health. I, too, have been struggling with COVID on top of my immune disorder. It’s so hard to stay present in a body-mind that is home to so much illness and fear. But reading about the honesty with which you are facing what you are going through and the way you are embracing Anthony’s support, provide inspiration and guidance to me. May you be well. Sending love and healing wishes, Anne
May 8, 2024 at 8:39 am
Elaine Mansfield
This has been going on too long, but I’m slowly getting better and breathing easier. I see my PA again tomorrow (she keeps a close eye on me) and a pulmonologist on Friday. I’m sorry you have COVID. I was tested many times for that, but I’ve never tested positive for COVID. I’ve been fortunate to have Anthony living close to me and I have a community of helpful friends for those times when he isn’t available. Anthony is a good at keeping me from getting passive and depressed. I hope you have all the help you need and I also wish you well. We aren’t alone in our struggling bodies. Be well, dear Anne. Be well.